Kyoya's notes about Mary Sues
by Fomalhaut
Summary: Kyoya shares all the information he gathered about Mary Sues with the others. Basically an essay, a parody to be taken lightly. FINALLY UPDATED!
1. The first notes

**An essay about Mary-Sues, Host Club style. Hope you like it, please read and review!**

* * *

"Now" Kyoya opened his notebook "before we open up today, I must share some very interesting new information that has come to my attention a few days ago. I sent some of our family's agents out for more, and part of the research is now complete."

"I suppose we can listen" Haruhi sat on the couch as she glanced at the clock; there was still some time until 3 PM, the Host Club was not open yet.

Kyoya adjusted his glasses.

"It's called _The Mary-Sue_."

The other six blinked, not really getting the point.

"A new customer, perhaps?" asked Tamaki, tilting his head.

"Usually… though there are different types. Please, be on your guard when we open up club today… and for times to come. It will not be easy."

"Kyo-chan! A girl, ne? Will she have cake?" Honey asked cheerfully.

"If you are her target, she probably will… but Hunny-senpai, you should keep an eye on Mori-senpai instead" the cousins stared interrogatively "for him and I are the most likely targets."

"Takashiii, nooo!" Hunny clung to Mori, who showed a slightly surprised expression.

Kyoya's glasses shone.

"Now, let me start the introduction… she's scary, and her types are…"

"Nah, she will never win against us!" Hikaru waved a hand carelessly "we'll just ask her to play the _Which one is Hikaru-kun?_ game, and, whoever she is, she'll never be able to guess."

"Unfortunately, she will tell you two apart _the instant_ she enters the club." Kyoya sighed, and turned the page "now, please, listen carefully and memorize as much as possible. Here go the types…"

By the time Kyoya began reading, Haruhi looked quite puzzled, Tamaki had tears in his eyes, the twins were utterly shocked, and Hunny held on to Mori. Surprisingly, even the latter didn't look stoic as usual.

"First of all…"

* * *

**Haruhi Sue**

"What?! I'm not-" Haruhi's eyes widened, but she was silenced by a gesture from Kyoya.

"_General:_ She's a commoner, a scholarship student in A class of course, who just arrived at Ouran…"

"But we're in the middle of the school year! Ouran doesn't give scholarships at random times!" shouted Tamaki.

Kyoya coughed.

"Tamaki" he slammed the notebook shut "do not interrupt me, I wouldn't be reading this if it wasn't crucial! Now, please… I will restart, and you all can give your comments at the end."

His glasses flashed, and everyone shut their mouths. Kyoya was not somebody to contradict.

**Haruhi Sue**

_General:_ She's a commoner, a scholarship student in A class of course, who just arrived at Ouran. She can also be an old acquaintance of Haruhi's, if the author pleases. Most of the cases she looks like a boy, cannot pay for the uniform (sounds familiar, eh?), and, if she does, she wears the boys' one for some irrelevant reason.

_Development:_ Breaks a vase (very original), a statue, or something alike and is forced to repay the debt. Sometimes even becomes a host, most likely "the mysterious/emo type" 'cause that's so zOMG KEWL.

_Romances:_ No one is safe. But most likely Kyoya.

_Past:_ Oh, she's a commoner. That's not tragic… but she's maybe even a homeless person! Abused by everyone! And of course, Kyoya is such a sweet, understanding, careful, gentle and selfless person that he utterly devotes himself to curing her wounded soul.

_Likely to show up?_ Very, very likely.

_Kyoya's advice:_ If you see one, run for your lives.

* * *

"Comments?" Kyoya pushed up his glasses.

No one could say a word from shock.

"Fine. Oh, and remember the _past_ part. She never has a happy one" he turned the page and continued reading.

* * *

**Relative Sue**

_General:_ She's Tamaki's long lost sister, Kyoya's half-sister, Mori's cousin, Hunny's unexpectedly young aunt, the missing Hitachiin triplet or Haruhi's twin, whose existence Ranka kept secret for various reasons (or, more likely, no reason at all). Maybe even a combination of the above.

_Development:_ She just randomly shows up at Ouran in search of the missing relative, whom she immediately finds in the Host Club. Then ends up best buddies with everyone, and her rootless soul (oh, the trauma) finally finds peace.

_Romances:_ What can I say, anybody but the relative. Unless, of course, said relation is meant to be a zOMG SHOCKING ENDING.

_Past:_ Probably spent all her life in search of the relative. Or, if not, there's always room for angst anyway.

_Likely to show up?_ Yes.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Thorough research of Host Club members' families is compulsory. And she needs a really, really good reason to show up unexpectedly, or, well, even to _exist_.

* * *

Kyoya looked at the others. After a few seconds of silence, everyone (with the exception of Mori, who merely arched an eyebrow and winced slightly) began shouting.

"I have no sisters! Haruhi!!! Daddy is an only child!"

"Just as I am!" Haruhi tried to push Tamaki off her.

"And it's just the two of us!"

"Waah, Takashiii!!! We only have little brothers, neee?!"

"Fine, I see you got it." Kyoya turned the page and motioned for everyone to sit back.

* * *

**Immature Sue**

_General:_ Believes in the oh-so-lovely romance, and goes to the Host Club in search of it.

_Development:_ She finds it.

_Romances:_ No host is safe.

_Past:_ Dull. That's why she wants love so badly.

_Likely to show up?_ Quite often.

_Kyoya's advice:_ She. Has. No. Proper. Background!

* * *

"That was short… it's getting boring…" Hikaru ruffled his hair.

Kaoru seemed to agree, as he pulled out a pocket video game.

"Put that away, it's not over yet" Kyoya once again turned the page.

* * *

**Gothic Sue**

_General:_ She doesn't wear the uniform, or, if so (which is highly unlikely), she has it all dyed black. Her stare is icy, her voice scary, her manners spectral, her attitude demoniac. She's the very definition of Gawthicness, can even be a demon sometimes.

_Development:_ She stumbles upon the Host Club, and soon one of them gets an Awesome Gawthic Girlfriend.

_Romances:_ No, strangely she does not end up in Nekozawa's arms. Most likely victims are Hunny and Mori, though it cannot be said definitively.

_Past:_ She's not so Gothic!Emo for no reason at all.

_Likely to show up?_ Quite a few times.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Not really the type we'd like to welcome. If you're a Pulitzer-prize winning author… maybe.

* * *

"But I was even scared of Kanazuki-san!" Hunny had to have some cake to avoid nerve damage.

"Hn" Mori nodded.

"And why would she come to the Host Club in the first place?" asked Tamaki.

"I see you're really starting to see it" Kyoya smiled "let's move on…"

* * *

**Foreigner Sue**

_General:_ She's from a Western country, most likely the U.S. The reasons of her arrival to Japan are seldom worked upon.

_Development:_ If she does not end up in A class sitting very close to Haruhi and the twins, she must be so exceptionally beautiful that everyone instantly notices her anyway.

_Romances:_ Kyoya, Mori, or Kaoru. In most cases.

_Past:_ Horrible. She's been abused, tortured, bullied, whatever. And she skips no opportunity to tell it around.

_Likely to show up?_ Very often.

_Kyoya's advice:_ We'll welcome her warmly. Unless she has no background, no reason to exist, and is OMG AWESOME for the mere reason of seducing many an unsuspecting host.

* * *

"I've never seen many foreigners here…" Tamaki rolled his eyes, wondering.

The others shook their heads as well.

"But you are one, Tama-chan!" said Hunny suddenly.

"And one is enough" Kyoya looked at his expensive watch "look, we shall open up in ten minutes. Let me just tell you about one more…"

* * *

**Average Sue**

_General:_ A rich Japanese girl in the usual girls' uniform, a random guest at the Host Club. Or maybe it's the first time she comes, who knows.

_Development:_ Most of the time she doesn't really stick out. Too bad that, in several cases, she has to tell everyone her name in kanji means "Mysterious Glowing Beautiful Dawnstar".

_Romances:_ Tamaki is at relatively low risk, but the others…

_Past:_ Now _that_'s not average, but she isn't very willing to tell about her traumas immediately. Maybe has no traumas; it _is_ weird indeed, but it can happen.

_Likely to show up?_ In canon, all the time. In fanfiction, very rarely.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Be our guest, Average Sue. And do your best! You can. But allow us to control your passport and ID before we accept that you were really named Diamond Goldrain or something alike, okay?

* * *

The clock struck 3 PM, and everyone stared at the, for the moment, closed door.

"Will they come?" Tamaki seemed truly scared.

"Who knows?" Kyoya closed the notebook.

"Kyoya…" Haruhi looked up, worried "is there any more?"

"Well, some more research will be conducted soon… I think so" Kyoya nodded.

"Oh, dear…" the only girl in the Host Club wiped her forehead "they can enter the door any moment now…"

"Not necessarily" Kyoya turned to the audience "remember: _you_ can prevent it! We like new customers, and you're more than welcome to tell your friends and anyone you would like to see enter that door about the Host Club. Just verify a few things before you do!"

* * *

**Not meant to bully fanfic authors - this was all written by a passionate Sue-creator over here. In Ouran, though it's not yet posted, I am guilty of an Immature/Average Sue mix.**

**Reviews are always welcome, and new ideas as well. Kyoya has still some empty space in that notebook...**


	2. Stolen notes

**Argh! Kyoya's agents stormed my room and took the draft of my fanfic!!! And my horrid Sues!!! OH NOES!!! (Some more types are introduced, ta-dah!)**

* * *

"I wasn't attacked by them…" a week later, Haruhi was getting ready for just another Host Club afternoon.

"You won't be…" Kyouya opened his notebook.

"Why…?"

"Because all Mary Sues know that you're a girl, that's why. Though there could be a few exceptions, but that's only when you're reduced to an extra in the story. Or the Mary Sue replaces you."

After the members recovered from the initial shock, Kyoya glanced at the clock. There was still some time 'til 3 PM, so he turned the page in his notebook.

"We have conducted some more research… and actually, there are times when Mary Sues attack us in groups…"

Hunny quickly put Kuma-chan in Tamaki's arms.

"…but in that case, they can be good guests. If they come along like that, there are some obligatory types. If at least two of these show up, maybe in the company of some previously introduced types, then it's a group Mary Sue attack, which probably happens because we're thrown in a plot that needs to give the feeling of reality… anyhow, let's start…"

Everyone shut their mouths and waited for Kyoya to begin.

* * *

**Rich Bitch Sue **

_General:_ She's filthy rich, which isn't unlikely at Ouran, by the way. Sometimes even richer than Kyoya, which is impossible, but oh well, this is Mary Sue after all…

_Development:_ She can pay for _anything_, which, once again, isn't unlikely at Ouran. Basically she's there just to show off how rich she is, and can choose any host, at any time. Wears the uniform, though she occasionally embroiders it with gold and puts diamonds on the frills. Buys all the merchandise and makes Kyoya happy.

_Romances:_ She can have any host, as she can pay for everything, at anytime. But usually doesn't really fall in love with any of them, as she's already completely and utterly in love – with her money.

_Past:_ Oh, growing up surrounded by mountains of money must suck… no, really. She doesn't angst.

_Likely to show up?_ Kinda rarely.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Come! Come! Profit!!! $$$!!!

* * *

"You meanie…" muttered Tamaki.

"Well" Kyoya pushed up his glasses "the club won't go bankrupt if we welcome her every now and then…"

Everyone stared a little annoyed at the Shadow King, who just smiled cryptically as he turned the page.

* * *

**Overly Sensible Sue **

_General:_ If you tell her she looks nice, she faints. If you're two minutes late, she thinks you were murdered. No, basically… she's a little paranoid.

_Development:_ She's sweet and cute, and goes to the Host Club to feel that she's loved. Probably has little self-esteem, but doesn't angst about it, at least.

_Romances:_ Anyone who tells her something nice, so anyone, really. Maybe except the twins, for their evil ways will wound her soul.

_Past:_ Nothing special. Occasionally is so sensible because she had a trauma, but that's not too likely. More probably has overprotective parents. But then… it's Mary Sue.

_Likely to show up?_ Maybe.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Go and melt in Tamaki's arms, Overly Sensible Sue. As long as you don't whine…

* * *

"I'll welcome her as my princess…" Tamaki passed his hand over his blond hair.

"I'll give her cake!" smiled Hunny cheerfully.

"Why does she hate us?!" the twins looked offended.

Haruhi just glanced at Mori, thinking Overly Sensible Sue would be best matched with him.

"May I continue?"

* * *

**Dull Non-Sue Sue **

_General:_ Sounds contradictory? Trust me, it isn't. She's average: cute, but nothing special; rich as Ouran students usually are, but not as much as Rich Bitch Sue; has feelings, but does not show them as openly as Overly Sensible Sue. Wears the uniform normally, goes to class normally…

_Development:_ Is so _normal_ that it hurts. It really does. And there you go, over the edge…

_Romances:_ Well, she's a Host Club guest. May fall for a host, or may not. She's very _normal_…

_Past:_ Yep, you guessed! Very _normal_.

_Likely to show up?_ Extremely rarely. And if she does, she won't stick out anyway…

_Kyoya's advice:_ I guess she can come. And she'd better pay for that merchandise…

* * *

"Another princess!" smiled Tamaki.

"Just the usual" sighed Haruhi.

"It's nearly 3 PM. Now, last but not least…" Kyouya began to read the last notes he received.

* * *

**Blissfully Ignorant Wallpaper Sue **

_General:_ She's an extra to show that her companions aren't Sues.

_Development:_ She occasionally says a line every ten chapters.

_Romances:_ She sometimes swoons over a random host, there you go.

_Past:_ Wallpapers don't need past.

_Likely to show up?_ As a companion to any Sue who would want to look as not a Sue, hell yes!

_Kyoya's advice:_ I really don't mind…

* * *

"That wasn't so terrible!" Tamaki jumped up happily as the clock struck 3 PM.

Kyoya just closed the notebook and hoped it will all go fine.


	3. A few special notes

**Thank you all for the kind reviews. Suggestions and constructive criticism are always welcome. **

* * *

"New info!" a few days later, Kyoya once again opened his notebook to inform the Host Club members about possible Mary-Sues.

"Mon Dieu! Are there more?!" Tamaki hugged Kuma-chan tightly.

"Waaah, Takashiii!" cried Hunny "I'm still scared enough of Kanazuki-san, I don't need any more!!!"

Mori patted Honey on the head, though he wasn't too sure of the safety of the situation either.

Haruhi and the twins just sighed as the Shadow King began to read.

* * *

**Samurai Sue**

_General:_ She's a warrior. Comes from an ancient family, her name probably means "Fire Spirit" or something alike, and fights as a goddess. Is amazing with her shining katana, and quite often is a master at karate, judo, kendo and any other martial art comes to the author's mind.

_Development:_ She should be training all day, but suddenly visits the Host Club for some unknown reason and immediately falls for…

_Romances:_ Mori. Only Mori. Duh!

_Past:_ Horribly tragic. She has been abused, raped, beaten, and became the tough girl she is now to defend herself and escape her terrible memories by getting stronger and stronger…

_Likely to show up?_ Sometimes.

_Kyoya's advice:_ I understand you're wonderful, Samurai Sue, but no, you can't brainwash Mori-senpai to the point he starts making out passionately with you in the club room within two chapters. Just no.

* * *

"Huh?" Mori looked terrified.

Hunny nearly fainted.

The others just looked at Mori, not really managing to picture him doing what Kyoya said with Samurai Sue.

Kyoya coughed, and everyone turned to him again.

* * *

**Endless Sue**

_General:_ She may have personality and not be amazingly beautiful, it's just that her story never seems to conclude.

_Development:_ Meets the Host Club in some way, is captured by the gaze of a member, and the rest is history. Oh, but the meeting takes place only after at least 3 pages of nonsense. Oh, and it takes 43984789 chapters for insert host's name here to so much as tell her she's cute, then come another 74378894 chapters with Endless Sue angsting over WTF knows what, then…

_Romances:_ Kyoya or Mori (mostly).

_Past:_ Probably had a few traumas, you need angst.

_Likely to show up?_ Quite a few times.

_Kyoya's advice:_ This isn't _Beautiful_ or any other soap. The school year isn't endless, and you, Endless Sue, are a pain. Sorry.

* * *

"That has to be boring!" Hikaru looked annoyed.

"I couldn't stand anyone like that!" added Kaoru.

Everyone else in the Host Club nodded in agreement

"Me neither, to tell the truth" Kyoya pushed up his glasses "and she isn't very likely to bring Rich Bitch Sue along as an extra, so no profit… anyway, on to the next one…"

* * *

**Anti-Sue Sue**

_General:_ She's ugly, overweight, clumsy, and irritating.

_Development:_ Enters the Host Club, and, while she stays ugly, overweight, clumsy, and irritating, these traits start actually to work to her _advantage_ for some unknown reason.

_Romances:_ Anyone, really…

_Past:_ Tragic, but not too much. Has to tell it to someone, though…

_Likely to show up?_ Maybe.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Head over heels for you, Anti-Sue Sue? Nope. Hiding you're a terrible Mary-Sue by being very "Anti" is a bad, bad strategy.

* * *

"But… but…" stammered Hikaru and Kaoru in unison.

Tamaki's jaw dropped open.

"No more!" screamed Haruhi.

"Sorry, Haruhi…" and Kyoya turned the page.

* * *

**Mind-controlling Sue**

_General:_ Just your average Sue, though she seems to possess some unknown mysterious mind-controlling power.

_Development:_ Enters the Host Club, and shatters the host's personalities with her weird powers. So Kyoya can break into tears, Tamaki can slap Haruhi, the twins can turn into angels, Mori can start chatting, Hunny can be serious and stop eating cake, whatever…

_Romances:_ She can brainwash anyone, really.

_Past:_ Quite often tragic.

_Likely to show up?_ Often.

_Kyoya's advice:_ No, no, no… I won't pick flowers for you while the breeze whispers gently, Mori-senpai will not kiss you in the middle of the corridor, Hunny-senpai will not invite you over for Special Cake Night, Tamaki will not lend you Kuma-chan and bring you to France ignoring Grandma and everybody, and Hikaru and Kaoru will not fight to the death over you. Sorry, but no.

* * *

"AAARGH!!!" screamed everybody.

"Silence!" Kyoya slammed the notebook on the table "and listen. There's one more for today. Mori-senpai!"

Mori looked up.

"This is a particuar type. Pay attention…"

* * *

**Satoshi's Girlfriend Sue**

_General:_ She's pretty, popular, clever, has thousands of secret talents…

_Development:_ Yep, she's Satoshi Morinozuka's girlfriend! Not for long, though, 'cause withing three chapters she gets stolen by:

a) Chika;

b) Mori;

c) both

…so then… hey! Mori-senpai! What are you doing?!

* * *

Mori tore the page out of Kyoya's notebook and threw it in the trash can seconds before the clock struck three.

* * *

**Writing this got my hand twitching to finally publish my own Sue-packed (or so I think) story... should I?**


	4. Small notes

**This fic brought doom upon you! I just published my fanfic! If you want concrete examples of all the Sues from Chapter Two, would you be so kind to give it a try?**

* * *

"New information!" Kyoya turned to the paling and shivering hosts.

* * *

**Clone Sue**

_General:_ She _never_ looks anything similar to Haruhi. Depending on the target, she can be a short, cake-loving girl, a subspecies of Samurai Sue, a rich and calculating heiress (Rich Bitch Sue subspecies), even a devilish pair of twins, or a wonderful half-French beauty.

_Development:_ Ahem. Need to say more?

_Romances:_ The ones similar to her.

_Past:_ Angst is needed.

_Likely to show up?_ Horribly often.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Too transparent. Too transparent!!!

* * *

"If our clones appear…" Tamaki clutched Kuma-chan.

"Do not get attracted to them" concluded Kyoya.

"But…"

"That's what we would normally do. But maybe Mind-Contolling Sue had spawns."

* * *

**Opposite Sue**

_General:_ ZOMG! Will insert host's name here ever fall for a girl who insert something that said host hates or never does?

_Development:_ Opposites attract.

_Romances:_ Anyone but Haruhi, for she knows she's a girl.

_Past:_ Always angsty.

_Likely to show up?_ Quite often.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Just be believable, and don't use Mind-Controlling Sue's gadgets, then we might welcome you.

* * *

"So, you see… Hunny-senpai will probably forgive her for not liking cake…"

"More for me!" Hunny giggled.

"It's not as simple, you two will most likely angst over it for chapters…"

"Waaah, Takashiii!!!"

"As for you, Mori-senpai, you will have plenty of chances to carry a poor weak girl around the corridor in your arms."

Mori looked horrified.

"And I will probably be expected to marry a rich heiress" Kyoya pushed up his glasses "which brings me to the next type…"

* * *

**Fiancée Sue**

_General:_ Oh dear! Two families made a deal, and now she's engaged to a Host Club member!

_Development:_ They will fight for their right to choose, of course!

_Romances:_ The two betrothed will fall in love during the struggle.

_Past:_ In such a stern and traditional family, what do you think?

_Likely to show up?_ A few times.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Hello? We're not in the Middle Ages. Okay, even if we believe this unlikely scenario, do you think it will be such a fairy tale?

* * *

Mori growled.

"You're right, even the Morinozuka parents will ask your opinion first… now, on to the next one…"

**Evil Sue**

_General:_ She's from Lobelia Girls' Academy! She's from any rival school! She's a servant of Lady Éclair Tonnerre! She's there to wreck the Host Club, oh my! Sometimes she's there to assassinate (?!) one of them!

_Development:_ She falls in love against her will, and cannot accomplish her mission.

_Romances:_ Anyone, though mostly Hunny or Tamaki.

_Past:_ Tragic. That's why she became evil in the first place!

_Likely to show up?_ Quite rarely.

_Kyoya's advice:_ You can do your best and be believable. But blood, assassins and the yakuza (unless you're targeting Bossa Nova, of course) belong elsewhere.

* * *

"No more notes for now…" Kyoya closed the notebook "well, let's get ready to welcome the customers. Hopefully these ones will not show up. But hmm, I wouldn't mind about Rich Bitch Sue…"

Kyoya slammed the notebook on the table to wake up the others too.

* * *

**Suggestions are always welcome! Kyoya loves to fill that notebook up! :-X**


	5. Notes from the customers

**Kyoya wants to thank you, dear customers!**

* * *

**A/N: Guess I'm better at writing this kind of silliness than real stories. *smiles sadly* On with it!**

* * *

"Thanks to some customers, here's some new information!"

"About those Sues again?! Weren't there already enough of them?!" Hikaru and Kaouru asked in unison.

"Seems like not… want to hear it or not?"

"Not really…" mumbled Haruhi.

"I'm afraid you'll have to listen anyway… we must always be on our guard!"

Thus Kyoya opened the notebook.

* * *

**Commoner Sue**

_General:_ Not to be confused with the Haruhi Sue, though she might be old friends with Haruhi. Got a random scholarship somewhere around midterm, probably.

_Development:_ Shows up at the Host Club, often with no intention of becoming a customer. However, despite the hosts already have their "source", they start to pose their questions about the "commoner lifestyle" to _her_ and get overly interested about her _person_ too, of course.

_Romances:_ Mostly Kyoya. Haruhi helps her, obviously.

_Past:_ Angsty. Or just plain sad, probably lost a parent.

_Likely to show up?_ Often.

_Kyoya's advice:_ I'm sorry, but can you pay for our services? And… no. In 99.9 percent of the cases, you're not believable.

* * *

"But we have my beloved daughter! And you love Daddy's attentions, don't you, Haruhi?!" cried Tamaki.

Haruhi just groaned.

"Milord, get out of the corner! Kyoya has some more to tell us!" shouted Hikaru.

* * *

**Angsty Sue**

_General:_ She's amazingly good at… angsting, angsting, and angsting.

_Development:_ Enters the Third Music Room for some unknown reason, picks a poor unfortunate and unsuspecting host, then spends the whole afternoon crying on their shoulder.

_Romances:_ Any host. And all of them will love her back, of course.

_Past:_ Ahem. Were you paying attention? Well then, sad. Lost a parent, a lover, both of them, more than one of them, some friends, her cat got run over by a car and she accidentally spilled the milk at breakfast. Horribly tragic.

_Likely to show up?_ Sometimes, not too often (thank goodness!!!)

_Kyoya's advice:_ Try Lobelia Girls' Academy instead, please. Benibara will welcome you with open arms.

* * *

Nearly everyone seemed horrified. Kyoya smiled in satisfaction.

* * *

**Servant Sue**

_General:_ A maid, a cook, a waitress, maybe even a young female chauffeur, she serves one of the hosts at home. She's cute and most likely has a pretty Western name, anyway she somehow sticks out. Maybe even for spilling orange juice over our beloved host; it doesn't get her fired for some weird reason, though.

_Development:_ She's completely in love with her master, but has to keep it in secret. Lots of chapters about this, thus creating the perfect chance to turn her into an Endless Sue subspecies.

_Romances:_ Anyone, though usually one of the twins, most likely Kaoru.

_Past:_ Angsty. At least, in most cases, she had to become a servant because her once-noble family went bankrupt. Or even worse, she was picked from an orphanotrophy…

_Likely to show up?_ Not in the Third Music Room… and anyway, very rarely. She's second in rarity only to Dull Non-Sue Sue.

_Kyoya's advice:_ You don't threaten the flow of customers, so well, it's fine… but it's NOT if you magically change one of us into a love-dazed angst machine.

* * *

"I don't even know all my maids' names…" Tamaki seemed a little embarrassed.

"Me?! What, ME?!" Kaoru looked sincerely shocked.

"Or maybe even…" Kyoya's glasses flashed "…_me_."

With this, he turned the page.

* * *

**Denying Sue**

_General:_ She swore never to fall in love. Or maybe never to fall in love with a certain type of guy.

_Development:_ She does anyway, against her will.

_Romances:_ Most likely Kyoya or Mori.

_Past:_ Gee, why do you think she's so stern? Yes, angsty, you guessed!

_Likely to show up?_ Quite a common girl around here.

_Kyoya's advice:_ This is pathetic over 30 chapters. Make something _happen_! Inner turmoil can get really boring.

* * *

"That's all for now" Kyoya slamming the notebook shut shook up the others "now, it's nearly 3 PM. Hey, Rich Bitch Sue, what about showing up finally? Oh, and dear customers, thank you for the new information! More is always welcome… you can get a free afternoon with us in return!"


	6. Scary notes

**Kyoya wants to thank you all, dear customers!**

* * *

The customers had just left, but Kyoya told everyone to stay in the Third Music Room for another short while. Just as usual, he had spent the whole afternoon scribbling in his notebook.

"Now" he smiled in the end "I got some new information from our beloved customers!"

"AAAH!" Tamaki fell back on the couch in shock "do you mean… there are more…"

"Yes. And listen carefully!"

* * *

**Talented Sue**

_General:_ She might seem pretty average, but she has a talent that distinguishes her. It might not be obvious from the very beginning, but she actually is a wonderful virtuoso with at least three instruments (piano is a _must_ here), can paint like or even better (!!!) than Leonardo Da Vinci, or her books sell more than Harry Potter.

_Development:_ Her talents usually show within a chapter, maybe she goes in the Third Music Room to play the piano, or has an exhibition at school, or gets into Ouran because her last novel sold so well to make her a millionaire. And, of course, all this sparks the interest of a couple of hosts.

_Romances:_ Usually Kyoya or Kaoru, but Mori and Hunny aren't safe either.

_Past:_ Horrible. Hides her scars in her artistic works, that's why her music is so heartbreaking, her paintings are so powerful, and her books sound so real.

_Likely to show up?_ A few times.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Understand the difference between admiration and true love, then we'll see.

* * *

"Can she bake artistic cakes, Kyo-chan?"

Everyone stared in shock at Hunny, for his voice sounded cold. Dark mode returned.

"Probably" Kyoya was the only one who didn't bat an eyelid "moving on…"

* * *

**Instant Crush Sue**

_General:_ No, it's not instant like instant coffee, just some hot water and a Sue pops out of the cup, my lord. So… she enters the Host Club and a host instantly falls head-over-heels for her, without exchanging as much as two words with her.

_Development:_ The host immediately confesses his feelings, completely unreasonable angst follows, they kiss and make up, happy end.

_Romances:_ Kyoya or Mori (!!!), at least in 90 percent of the cases.

_Past:_ Bad. She has to tell it soon.

_Likely to show up?_ Rarely.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Head over to Lobelia _now_. Or just leave the fanfiction world once and for all.

* * *

"No way!" Hikaru jumped up.

"Takashi…?" Hunny was trying hard to picture his cousin falling head-over-heels in an instant.

Tamaki had nearly gone off, while Haruhi looked more and more worried, especially when Kyoya turned the page.

* * *

**Attitude Sue**

_General:_ Frankly, the reasons of a gangster-like girl who curses everything and goes to school in torn jeans and a dirty T-shirt with swear words written on it showing up at Ouran are quite obscure to say the least.

_Development:_ Hates the uniform, the school, the building, the hallways, the garden, the cherry blossoms, the ceiling lamps, the windows, the floor tiles, the toilets and the reflections of the sunlight on her sneakers. But especially hates the Host Club. Falls for one of them nonetheless, but with such an attitude, generally turns into an Endless Sue subspecies.

_Romances:_ Anyone. Tamaki and Kyoya are the most likely targets here, though.

_Past:_ Terrible. That's the reason of her hatred.

_Likely to show up?_ Sometimes.

_Kyoya's advice:_ No need to be kind here: just get lost. Not to Lobelia, for even Benibara will throw you out.

* * *

"I seriously won't allow her here!" Tamaki recovered, and seemed truly angry.

"But why will she come here?" Haruhi tilted her head.

Hunny was munching on a new cake, he needed some distraction. Mori sat behind him patiently, though wincing slightly.

The twins took each other's hands.

"There's more" Kyoya's voice made everyone's blood freeze.

* * *

**Supernatural Sue**

_General:_ She's a witch! A sorceress! (No, strangely no business with the Black Magic Club) A mermaid! A fairy! A true angel! A vampire (strangely can stand sunlight…)! An elf! A dragon girl! And the list could go on…

_Development:_ Depends. Mermaids and other mythical creatures usually charm a host and they ride off into the sunset (after lots of angst, of course), end of story. Magician girls solve a host's problems just by snapping their fingers, but only after making Haruhi filthy rich and sending her off on a foreign trip with boxes full of ootoro to have her out of the picture; then the mayhem can begin with Tamaki's grandma mysteriously disappearing off the face of the Earth, Kyoya's brothers turning into toddlers, Hunny and Chika being best pals for life and whatever.

_Romances:_ This time it is really anyone.

_Past:_ "Oh, have been an outcast because of my pointy ears/fish tail/mysterious powers/other wtf!"

_Likely to show up?_ Rarely, but she's still there.

_Kyoya's advice:_ There's no evidence of such creatures existing. You don't exist. And if you do, what are you doing at this school anyway?

* * *

"All right, it's over!" the Shadow King smiled. Too bad no one could move from utter shock.

* * *

Kyoya had more notes from beloved customers, but decided not to throw it all on the already scared others all at once.

* * *

***Self-publicity*: for Sues showing up, check out my fanfic. There's Rich Bitch Sue, Overly Sensible Sue, Dull Non-Sue/Immature Sue, and Blissfully Ignorant Wallpaper Sue, though they will be played down.**


	7. The last notes

**Well, this will be the last part. I'm sorry if I haven't incorporated some Sues; maybe I can persuade Kyoya to add something. But, read on, as he's currently busy with another project, as you will see. **

* * *

Kyoya sighed happily; his men and some beloved customers helped him out again. And, he thought, it was the last, blissful time.

"Attention, everyone!" he smiled, some time before 3 PM "I think it's over. Here go my last notes."

The others decided to pay attention and not simply fall flat from shock because of the magic word "last".

Kyoya opened his notebook and began reading.

* * *

**Nurse Sue**

_General:_ She has an innaturally high level of empathy, but does not border Overly Sensible Sue. She's just there to listen to everyone's angst, but strangely she's never around for Angsty Sue.

_Deveopment:_ She's there for the hosts' emotional scars. What? You don't have that many? Who cares. She shows up, so you do.

_Romances:_ Anyone, though most likely Tamaki, who, we all know, angsts non-stop over his mother.

_Past:_ Tragic. She's so empathetic because of that.

_Likely to show up?_ Relatively rarely.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Our Lord isn't constantly angsting, sorry. And if you make anyone else angst over something _you_ made up… get lost.

* * *

"Huh…?" Tamaki tilted his head like a puppy.

"Exactly" said Kyoya as he turned the page.

* * *

**Hated Outcast Sue (Bossa Nova Sue?)**

_General:_ She's stupid/mean/irresponsible/bitchy/all of them, so everyone hates her, even the Hosts.

_Development:_ Oh, she does have a good side, of course. And someone discovers it accidentally, maybe she's nursing an injured sparrow. (Bossa Nova…?)

_Romances:_ Most likely Mori or Hunny, but maybe Kaoru. (NOT Bossa Nova. Weird…)

_Past:_ Terrible. Everyone hates her, oh, the trauma!!!

_Likely to show up?_ Kinda rare again.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Everyone hates you _because_ you're a good person? Bossa Nova was merely scary, but you're being _hated_? Um… nope. Can't see it working.

* * *

"Casanova-kun is nice!" smiled Haruhi.

Tamaki had to be dragged out of the corner by Hikaru.

"My lord, listen up, I think there's more!"

* * *

**Smut Sue**

_General:_ She's sexy! Or maybe not, she's there for only one reason, though…

_Development:_ …said reason is SLEEP WITH A HOST!

_Romances:_ Anyone. Really anyone, maybe even more at once.

_Past:_ Who cares, she's a goddess in bed. Story rated M, of course.

_Likely to show up?_ Rarely.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Label your story AU, PWP, OOC, M-RATED, MARY SUE, WARNING, YAY!1!!!111!!1!, so just that we know. Otherwise you have no reason to exist.

* * *

"B-but…" stammered Haruhi.

"This is Ouran High School! Not a brothel!" Tamaki jumped up.

"Right" Kyoya's glasses flashed "so you see why she's a failure as a Sue… Let's move on now…"

* * *

**Cliffhanger Mystery Sue**

_General:_ She's… OMG! A CLIFFY! Oh, so exciting, mystery everywhere! Why is she so insert anything here? Why does insert host's name here act so strangely? OMG! A CLIFFY!

_Development:_ She's mysterious. There's something weird hanging in the air… OMG! A CLIFFY! Will we ever get to know it?

_Romances:_ Most likely Mori or Kaoru, maybe even Kyoya sometimes.

_Past:_ OMG! A CLIFFY! That's part of the mystery, too.

_Likely to show up?_ Common.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Don't underestimate the information I can gather, thank you very much.

* * *

"Somehow we're not excited" the twins said in unison.

"Me neither" Haruhi yawned.

Kyoya nodded and continued.

* * *

**Loner Sue**

_General:_ She doesn't have friends, maybe even doesn't want them. Does not angst about it constantly, at least.

_Development:_ She enters the Host Club nonetheless, or stumbles across a member, who immediately gets interested in them. And, wonderfully, she slowly learns to open up…

_Romances:_ Probably Tamaki at first, somebody else later.

_Past:_ Probably tragic, a reason for her loneliness.

_Likely to show up?_ A common one.

_Kyoya's advice:_ I don't see any reason for you to show up here… but oh well. If you can pay, you can come…

* * *

The clock struck three.

Soon a guest entered. She had her uniform ebroidered with gold, a diamond in the middle of her ribbon, a golden credit card sticking out of her pocket and walked as if on the red carpet. Kyoya's eyes lit up for a second; if he wasn't the Shadow King, maybe his jaw would have dropped open.

_Could it be…?_

"I am…"

Kyoya quickly searched in his notebook.

"Aki Kamimae…"

"Exactly" the girl answered, smiling, then she turned to Tamaki "you, blonde prince! I pick you! Bring me some tea!"

_Aki Kamimae, only daughter of the head of the Kamimae Company… her name means "On the front and in the middle"… she's very rich…_

The afternoon ended quickly. Kyoya was happy, as he had the chance to meet Rich Bitch Sue.

"Oh, just one more thing… my agents warned me about something else too" he said to the other hosts after he had finished counting all the money they got from Aki Kamimae "some improbable, scary events… I'll share some notes with you soon…"

Haruhi sighed. She was kinda scared, but knew there was no escape.

Kyoya wrote a new title in his notebook. _How NOT to write Ouran fanfiction – according to Kyoya._ The day when he would share the new info with the others wasn't too far.

* * *

**Look out for Kyoya's next project, though it will be probably rated M, taking all the possible horrors into account. :) And I'm such a selfish person, I sent my existing OC Aki to make him happy!**


	8. Extra notes

**Yeah, Kyoya found some more! Enjoy! :D**

**

* * *

**

Kyoya called everyone to the Third Music Room a short while before 3 AM. By the dark look on his face, everyone could see he had some more notes about those horrifying Mary Sue-s.

"But I thought it was over!" said Haruhi, horrified "there were already so many, Kyoya! I can't believe more could exist!"

"They do, Haruhi… I'm sorry…" sighed Kyoya, searching for the right page in his notebook.

"I don't wanna hear it!" screamed Tamaki, already teary-eyed.

"You'll have to. We need to be prepared" Kyoya finally found his new notes "oh, and these are all subspecies. We have one which can apply to any Sue, one of mostly Angsty Sue, one of Blissfully Ignorant Wallpaper Sue, and one… oh, that's a new one."

* * *

**Host Sue**

_General:_ She's a subspecies, can come in any variety. Whatever the reason, she becomes a Host. Oh, not to be confused with the Haruhi Sue: she's not forced to.

_Development:_ Kyoya (!) or some other host, usually Tamaki or even Haruhi (!!!) _wants her desperately_ to join the Host Club. Alternatively, she wants to join. What the hell, she becomes a host ultimately.

_Romances:_ Kyoya or Kaoru, sometimes even Mori.

_Past:_ First rule: there's _always_ room for angst, don't worry about that.

_Likely to show up?_ Horribly often. The most common Sue, I might risk to say, though she's still a subspecies, that's why she wasn't categorized earlier.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Listen, if you don't look like a boy like Fujioka, I don't see why girls shouldn't notice your beautfiul breasts one of us is supposed to fondle while making out passionately with you. On the other hand, why the hell are you wearing the boys' uniform? Or are you a cross-dresser? Or lesbian? In that case, head to Lobelia. Or… ah, I can't even continue, there are too many things wrong with you.

* * *

"Didn't we run out of the colour of roses?" asked the twins in unison.

"There's still dark purple, and yellow…" mumbled Haruhi.

"May I go on?" Kyoya asked.

The Host Club looked at him with dark eyes, but they all nodded.

* * *

**Handicapped Sue**

_General:_ She's blind (the most common one), deaf, mute, paralyzed, missing a leg, confined to a wheelchair, whatever.

_Development:_ The hosts feel extremely sorry for her, but notice her radiant beauty and at least one falls for her. She doesn't want sympathy, though, and there goes a wonderful opportunity for angst and denial. Then they kiss and make up, and (guess what?) ride off into the sunset.

_Romances:_ Anyone, though mostly Mori or Tamaki.

_Past:_ There's always a horrible story about how she got handicapped, or even more room for angst if she was born such.

_Likely to show up?_ Kinda rare.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Well, it can work, but I can hardly believe you're taking normal classes (this does not apply if you're in a wheelchair). You can be believable, just don't make us drown in a sea of angst, or whatever. Put in some effort, please. And be sure to know about that handicap, too! You cannot comment about our appearance if you're blind, you cannot love our voices or Tamaki's piano playing if you're deaf, can't tell us in a melodious voice you love us if you're mute, cannot make acrobatics in bed if you're paralyzed. Oh, and our love alone won't magically cure you.

* * *

"But… but…" stammered Tamaki.

"My, I don't think the Ohtori medical company has doctors who can reattach missing limbs or implant new and working eyes… okay, I think I should go on…" Kyoya turned the page.

* * *

**Matchmaker Sue**

_General:_ She exists only to make two characters realize their feelings for each other, even if a "something special" does not exist.

_Development:_ In half of the cases, she's a companion for some other Sue, there for the mere reason to tell her "But you love insert host's name here!", then you know the rant. In 40% of the cases, it's yaoi. In 6% of the cases, it's Haruhi and the host the author wants her to end up with. In 4% of the cases, it does not involve Haruhi. Weird, huh?

_Romances:_ None. She's an extra. Or maybe she consoles some poor lonesome host, but that's quite rare.

_Past:_ Well, being kinda a wallpaper, that's not significant. But, if it's for the sake of adding some lovely _angst_…

_Likely to show up?_ Quite rare.

_Kyoya's advice:_ If you just want insert host's name here and insert Sue's name here/insert another host's name here/Haruhi to shag like bunnies, we can do it without you, thank you very much.

* * *

"What the -?!" Haruhi was totally shocked.

"Ootoro! We need ootoro! Kyoya! Make a phone call, my daughter's sick!" shouted Tamaki.

"Maybe after we finish…" Kyoya turned the page again "oh, horrified enough?"

The already pale boys went totally white seeing Kyoya's evil grin.

"For what comes here is much, much worse… it's not even a Sue…"

* * *

**Slash Stu**

_General:_ Yes, yes, it's a boy this time!

_Development:_ Can become a host, though that's rare. He's generally there only for some good, quality shonen-ai, and later, of course, pure smutty yaoi.

_Romances:_ Anyone, even non-hosts like Nekozawa or Bossa Nova. Hunny is surprisingly common victim, though.

_Past:_ Same as for those Sues, angst some more, Stu, come on, we _want to hear it so badly!_

_Likely to show up?_ Rare.

_Kyoya's advice:_ We never went around screaming "We're straight!", but that doesn't mean we aren't. And even if weren't, we won't march with you in a gay parade, sorry. Go on your own.

* * *

Hunny was gagging down a huge cake, it was too much for him.

"It's over for now" Kyoya closed the notebook "and I really hope that this time, it's forever…"


	9. Notes about subspecies

**Sorry if this is short! Anyway, enjoy!

* * *

**

Kyoya entered the Third Music Room with a dark look in his eyes. The other hosts, who were just discussing the new cosplay ideas, immediately froze.

"I'm afraid the storm isn't over…" the Shadow King sighed "there are quite a few subspecies here, and also a new one…"

* * *

**Otherworldly Sue**

_General:_ Not to be confused with the Supernatural Sue, she's not from a magical world or anything. She reads the manga and is catapulted inside, or something along those lines.

_Development:_ Of course she immediately gets a place at Ouran in class A, and she becomes a regular Host Club customer, or maybe Haruhi's BFF.

_Romances:_ Kyoya or Kaoru.

_Past:_ Tragic, or at least sad. Divorced parents, stuff like that.

_Likely to show up?_ Kinda rarely.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Tell me how you found the portal, so I can send you back and seal it.

* * *

"Uh?" asked Tamaki.

"Me… again?" Kaoru let out a puff of air.

"A portal…?" Haruhi tilted her head.

"Don't even _try_ to understand them" Hikaru cracked his knuckles.

Kyoya coughed, and everyone looked at him.

"Pay attention to the next one, as that's a close relative of Dull Non-Sue Sue, but far more common than her..."

* * *

**Painstakingly Average Sue**

_General:_ Usually, she doesn't really stick out, as she's, you see, _normal_. But, while Dull Non-Sue Sue blends into crowds easily, this one is _so_ average and dull that the author skips no chance to tell it.

_Development:_ After we get to know for the hundredth time how there isn't anything special about her, she somehow captivates a lot of people.

_Romances:_ Hosts are no exception, and are charmed by… I don't see what, exactly. No one is safe.

_Past:_ Tragic! Dramatic! Angsty! But she's oh-so-um… _average_, that she doesn't tell it around. At least, not immediately.

_Likely to show up?_ Common.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Okay, you're dull and average. You don't need to remind us, and, no, we'll need something more to be charmed.

* * *

"I don't remember her…" Hunny ate a piece of cake.

"Me neither" sighed Haruhi.

"That's exactly the point" smiled Kyoya "now, for a subspecies of Fiancée Sue…"

* * *

**I'm-Not-Your-Fiancée! Sue**

_General:_ She's engaged to a host club member, but wants to fight for her right to choose.

_Development:_ She falls in love with someone else during the struggle. But in the end, the family accepts the new person, and they (OMG! A CLIFFY! Guess what?) ride off into the sunset.

_Romances:_ Kyoya, Kaoru or Mori. Maybe even Hunny, but that's very rare.

_Past:_ Strict family! Oh! Drama!

_Likely to show up?_ Not too common.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Not a fairy tale like Fiancée Sue, but still pretty hard to believe, sorry.

* * *

"Again?" asked the twins, annoyed.

"But the story is different…" wondered Haruhi.

"Kyoya, you don't have a fiancée, right?" asked Tamaki.

He shook his head.

"Not that I remember. Moving on, here goes a subspecies of Rich Bitch Sue…"

* * *

**Just Rich Sue**

_General:_ She's filthy rich, which isn't unlikely at Ouran. But doesn't show it around, she finds it normal and is happy about it.

_Development:_ A regular at the Host Club, where she usually spends a lot of money to make Kyoya happy, but is in love with a member.

_Romances:_ Is _not_ in love with her money like Rich Bitch Sue. Instead, she is in love with Kyoya or Hunny.

_Past:_ All that money… oh, it sucks. Her parents are strict and evil.

_Likely to show up?_ Rare.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Thanks for the profit, but stop whining about your traumas, please.

* * *

"That wasn't the last one" said Kyoya to the paling hosts "but this one is extremely complicated, I'll need some more research and more time to tell you than what I have now. Oh, it's called the _Plot Bunny Sue_. Maybe next time."

The clock struck three.


	10. Plot Bunny notes!

**Okay everyone, keep in mind the earlier Sues for this one! However, this time I've been pretty evil. By that I mean that there's a Sue on this site which pretty much does most of what is described in here, and ACTUALLY has only positive reviews. I dare you to find her.

* * *

**

Kyoya slammed his notebook on the table, making everyone's blood freeze, mostly because it seemed thicker than usual.

"Yes" he said "the research is complete, and longer than I've ever imagined. Here goes the _Plot Bunny Sue_, which mainly shows up when too many ideas pile up, and so… well, this will be _one_ example. An endless list of other variations is possible."

* * *

**The Plot Bunny Sue (Haruhi-Foreigner-Relative-Immature-Average-Samurai-Endless-Mind-Controlling-Opposite-Fiancée-Evil-Commoner-Angsty-Instant Crush-Supernatural-Nurse-Loner-Smut-Cliffhanger Mystery-Otherwordly-Host Sue)**

_General:_ Suddenly a girl named Amber Destiny Tourquoise Rose La'Angel is catapulted inside her favourite manga (which, by the way, just happens to be _Ouran High School Host Club_) via a bright flash of light on her way to school! OMG! A CLIFFY! And she suddenly finds herself speaking perfect Japanese, and being the fantastic new scholarship student from the USA who, apart from the above mentioned ones, has also a Japanese name for being only half-American, and thus now she is called Murasaki Kurisutaru Ameshisuto Shinsei Kokoro (her name in kanji means "Violet Crystal Amethyst Pure Heart"), and, still believing in the oh-so-lovely romance, is sure she'll find it at Ouran High School. Too bad that, on her way to school on the first day, when she was crying for being beaten for the 100th time by her evil stepbrother, a gang of yakuza suddenly kidnap her and give her a vial of poison to use on Mori for no apparent reason! She cries but eventually complies, but is robbed of her pretty yellow uniform and forced to wear ugly over-sized clothes that conceal her femininity!

_Development:_ She stumbles across the Host Club and knocks over a crystal figurine! She is immediately taken in as host, for, after getting on the boys' uniform, her wide and tear-filled crystalline eyes attract more customers than Tamaki himself ever had! She whispers to Haruhi that she knows she's a girl, but the boys don't get too concerned about this, nor about Mura (her new nickname) actually being a girl too, for they all love him so much! Kyoya has even paid off half her debt out of genuine kind-heartedness, while Mori, seeing she's so weak sometimes, swept her off her feet and carried her up and down the corridor whenever needed! Soon, she found she cannot poison him, for she loves him dearly, especially after she showed him her amazing kendo talents and he made out with her passionately on the couch of the Third Music Room in front of all the customers, who were all happy to see she, the one who has been an outcast because of some odd marks on her back that identify her as a Rhadkjeiwuhsahaka, a rare species of supernatural immortal half-vampires hiding on Earth, has finally found happiness. Mori, of course, has been in love with her ever since their first meeting, for all this happens in the arc of two chapters. Mori and Mura then cry on each others' shoulder for their hidden emotional scars, until Mura suddenly *gasp* collapses to the ground unconscious! The Host Club shuts down and she is rushed to the hospital, where OMG! A CLIFFY! she is discovered to have a mortal disease which can be cured only by someone donating an organ! And Haruhi just happens to be the perfect match! But the operation could kill her, OMG! A CLIFFY! Mori kisses her goodbye, but OMG! A CLIFFY! she recovers! _(Kyoya's comments: occasionally she can die, in which case the Host Club closes forever and at least one of the boys commits suicide.)_ The yakuza come back to strike down at her, but she alone dispatches them, despite being confined to a hospital bed with syringes sticking out of her! OMG! A CLIFFY! Then she gets back to hosting and sleeping with Mori (she's a sex goddess), when suddenly some old documents come to light! OMG! A CLIFFY! There we find out that Mura is actually Haruhi's half-sister, due to an affair Ranka had in the U.S. when he was a teen studying abroad! Then, that actually she's engaged to Mori! By now, the story has about 9848765479238 chapters, and spawned also a few side-stories and follow-ups of similar length…

_Romances:_ Mori in the example above, though it can be Kyoya as well.

_Past:_ Beaten, raped, humiliated, you name it.

_Likely to show up?_ Common, but really dreadful varieties are rarer.

_Kyoya's advice:_ I'll call my private police. With lots of machine guns.

* * *

The Host Club had already fainted. No hosting for that day.


	11. Tragic notes

**Here goes more! Enjoy!

* * *

**

"I'm afraid there's more…" Kyoya opened his notebook after everybody had gathered in the Third Music Room a while before 3 PM.

"NO!" Tamaki nearly fainted, but Mori managed to hold him up.

"This time the story's genre is something along the lines of _tragedy_ or _angst_, maybe even both. These Sues do not differentiate mostly for their characteristics, as they can be almost any type or even _plot bunnies_, but they have one thing in common: their story is tragic."

"But didn't all of them have a tragic past?" asked Haruhi "and why aren't these _angsty Sue_s?"

"Easy. Angsty Sue and other ones, despite their scars, have tragedies in their past, and almost always end up riding off into the sunset with one of us. But in this case… oh, one is actually a subspecies of Fiancée Sue."

* * *

**Mortally Diseased Sue**

_General:_ She has a horrible disease that cannot be cured, too bad the author doesn't have any medical knowledge, so all we know is that she's ill. Of course she's stunningly beautiful and captures everyone's hearts.

_Development:_ We get to know she's got that terrible condition only after insert host's name here and her have fallen head-over-heels in love with each other, granting the perfect occasion for lots and lots of angst. If she recovers: see the _Endless Sue_ section. If she doesn't, but doesn't die either, just stays in coma/confined to a bed: ANGST. If she dies: Mass Host Suicide.

_Romances:_ Most likely Mori, though Kyoya isn't safe either.

_Past:_ Her disease of course isn't enough, add some evil stepbrothers or such and you'll be fine.

_Likely to show up?_ Rare.

_Kyoya's advice:_ "A mortal disease" is _a little_ vague. Us of the Ohtori group can give you a better diagnosis. And your random symptoms seem like you're faking it. Author! Study a little more medicine, please.

* * *

"Eeehhh???" asked the twins in unison.

"Poor girl… but this sounds a bit…" Haruhi was searching for the right word.

Kyoya's glasses flashed.

"Save your curses for the next one."

* * *

**Dying Sue**

_General:_ She's just dying, all there. She might have had an accident, or a mortal disease, she cannot be cured any more.

_Development:_ She dies, and everyone mourns her, or occasionally slit their wrists to "join her in Eternity" or some similar purple prose for rotting corpses. In extremely rare cases she suddenly recovers, but that borders the supernatural.

_Romances:_ Kyoya or Mori.

_Past:_ Horrible accident, horrible diagnosis, you name it.

_Likely to show up?_ Very rare.

_Kyoya's advice:_ …do I have to tell you? No. Plot.

* * *

"Um, what is she doing here? Should she be in hospital?" asked Kaoru.

"Yeah, and how did we meet her in the first place?" added Hikaru.

"Okay, diseases end here, here comes the next one…"

* * *

**Wrong Fiancée Sue**

_General:_ She loves insert host's name here! And he loves her back!

_Development:_ Oh no, but she's engaged to insert random name here! So she says her goodbyes and goes into an unwanted marriage, angsting through the rest of her days. Likely to say sentences like "Even if I have to go and marry him, you know that my heart will be yours forever!", tears follow.

_Romances:_ Mori or Kyoya, maybe Hunny or Tamaki. No Kaoru here.

_Past:_ Strict family, oh, the ANGST!

_Likely to show up?_ Rare.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Definitely no plot, just a river of tears which we do not need, I can assure you of that.

* * *

"Let's crash the wedding!" grinned the twins.

"Seriously, you want to marry _her_?" asked Haruhi.

"Um, never mind…"

* * *

**Not-meant-to-be Sue**

_General:_ Sue and insert host's name here could be happy, for they have love and all…

_Development:_ But no, it was not meant to be! She is either too happy and thus ends the relationship (WTF?), or he does so, or she has to leave for undisclosed reasons. Oh, it was not meant to be! ANGST!!!

_Romances:_ Anyone, but it's not meant to be anyway.

_Past:_ It's not meant to be! Seriously, could it be happy?! Of course not!

_Likely to show up?_ Sometimes.

_Kyoya's advice:_ Look. That's the Ohtori group's Mental Care Center. And look. Here are some documents for you. Now go and knock, they'll welcome you.

* * *

"Cake!" Hunny seemed to be suffering.

Mori took a piece too, his face showing distress.

Tamaki rolled his eyes.

* * *

**Sudden Accident Sue**

_General:_ Oh, they are so happy! She and insert host's name here are probably planning their wedding by now!

_Development:_ A sudden accident occurs, and it all ends in tragedy! Maybe she's got a piano dropped on her, oh, no!

_Romances:_ Tamaki, Kyoya or Mori.

_Past:_ Normal, usually. But sometimes sad, so she knew she couldn't be happy anyway…

_Likely to show up?_ Rare.

_Kyoya's advice:_ No pianos. Maybe a traffic accident, but it still sounds unbelievable. But… this is something that, though it's hard, _can_ be written well.

* * *

"But this makes no sense!" said Tamaki "it's just some cheap excuse for sadness!"

"All of these are" sighed Kyoya "here comes the worst one…"

* * *

**Suicide Sue**

_General:_ Oh my God! They love each other, but because of insert random wtfery here she thinks it's impossible!

_Development:_ …so she slits her wrists! Wait, that would bloodstain her clothes… never mind. She kills herself, that's it. And half of the Host Club follows her.

_Romances:_ Mori or Kyoya. Sometimes Tamaki.

_Past:_ Sad. This is probably her 100th attempt at suicide.

_Likely to show up?_ Rare.

_Kyoya's advice:_ This makes less sense than _Plot Bunny Sue_. Go to Lobelia, they'll make a Zuka Club spectacle of your tragic story.

* * *

"It's 3 PM, everyone!" Kyoya closed his notebook with a loud _slam_ "it's time to get ready to welcome customers!"

It took a little longer than usual, but eventually the hosts complied.

* * *

**Open message from Kyoya:**

_Dear Customers, though I often gave advice, I have received some requests to clarify how not to write a Sue. I may begin the research right now, if you sign up for the new meetings._


	12. Writing notes

**Ah, dear customers! Reference to a certain guest might come across better if you've seen what she has done to aid me in my other project. However, sorry it took me so long. - Kyoya.**

**

* * *

**

"Well, well…" Kyoya smiled cryptically at the other six horrified Hosts, as he turned the pages in his notebook "here goes some more…"

"You… you mean there are _even more_ types of those Sues?" asked Tamaki, holding Kuma-chan tightly.

"Oh, I'm sure of that" Kyoya's glasses flashed "but that's not the subject today. Some customers heard about my research and wanted to know how _not_ to write a Sue. You see, I often gave advice, but I suppose there's need for more clarification. So, there are several ways...

_New customers or random girls who eventually end up paired with one of us may automatically classify as Sues. But not all of them __**are**__ actually Sues. Why not? Or, if they __**are**__ Sues, why are they popular? Let me explain, but not in the way I did in my other notes. There's three categories: the Non-Sue, the Epic Fail Non-Sue, and the Sue in Disguise. And, as a fun addition, the Plot Bunny Sue in Disguise._

_Some of my additional comments will be in italics, as usual._

_- Kyoya_

_

* * *

_

**Non-Sue**

Very hard to write. There's lots of pitfalls.

_Pitfall #1:_ OMG SHE HAS TO BE SPECIAL! _(Lone warrior? BEEP! Samurai Sue alert. Fish tail? BEEP! Supernatural Sue alert. Named Dawnbringer Moonbeam LaLaLa Magic Seawaves? BEEP! Do I have to tell you? Tragic past? BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! General Sue alert.)_

_How to avoid:_ Okay, we might not fall in love with some girl who can as well be a wallpaper as any other customer. But no need to throw all your OMG SPESHUL QUALITIES 111! at us right away. Be subtle.

_Addition:_ By "subtle" I did not mean that it's OMG Mystery (_BEEP! Cliffhanger Mystery Sue alert)_ until we suddenly find out you're Haruhi's missing twin. However, there is _one_ scenario which _can_ play out well in the end, given that you know what to write in the middle, of course. That's Fiancée Sue. Turning out the thing _near_ the end (not _at_ the end) is a struggle to make, but _can_ work well. Unless you add too much other Sue-esque flavors.

_Pitfall #2: _OMG SHE NEEDS PERSONALITY! _(That's true. She's angry? BEEP! Attitude Sue alert. She cries a lot? BEEP! Angsty Sue alert.)_

_How to avoid:_ Personality =/= Overused Plot Cliché. Learn the subtle distinction.

_Addition:_ Also, no Great Personality Description Scenes, for the love of all!

_Pitfall #3:_ OMG WE NEED A STORY! _(…okay…)_

_How to avoid:_ This is your choice. And again, be careful about Overused Plot Clichés.

_Pitfall #4: _OMG WHAT NOW?

_How to avoid:_ Have at least a brief synopsis in mind. And don't drag it on for more than 25 chapters. _(BEEP! Endless Sue alert.)_

_

* * *

_

**Epic Fail Non-Sue**

_THE Pitfall:_ You've avoided all pitfalls? Hooray! But then you may have fallen into the biggest one.

_Once you've avoided Pitfalls #1 and #2:_ …she became totally dull. May qualify for Dull Non-Sue Sue, if anything.

_Once you've avoided Pitfall #3:_ ...severe cases of Completely Unbelievable Scenarios (like, an UFO crashing into the school during the opening hours of the Host Club) are not Overused Plot Clichés, but can be much, much worse. Unless it's AU, of course, but I'll cover that in my other project.

_Once you've avoided Pitfall #4:_ …and the three others up here, that _might_ be the case of an avoided Sue.

* * *

**Sue in Disguise**

_How?_ It's very easy to write one. Just throw a random girl into Ouran for no damn good reason and turn her into an Endless Sue. Endless Sues are amazing masters of disguise.

_Are there other ways?_ But of course. If you add information about her slowly, and maybe keep some to yourself (like, no need to tell everyone that she already had a zillion boyfriends or that she has won a math contest if the fact has no relevance whatsoever to the story)… now, that can be good. But be careful! By "slowly" I don't mean discovering something OMG SPESHUL in each single chapter. (_BEEP! Plot Bunny Sue Alert._)

* * *

The Hosts didn't interrupt Kyoya so far. They looked deep in thought.

"Is there a chance of such customers showing up?" asked Kaoru after a while.

"Very, very slight" sighed Kyoya "but the chance is there, in every customer entering…"

The clock struck 3, and the first customers arrived.

* * *

"Kyoya!" said Haruhi, once they were already packing, as Club was over "you forgot to tell us about…"

"I know, the _Plot Bunny Sue in Disguise_."

"But…"

"Sit down, and listen" everyone complied as Kyoya opened his notebook again "remember the girl who entered after we've finished with the seventh part of my notes, and was here today as well?"

* * *

**Plot Bunny Sue in Disguise**

_How does that even exist?_ Very strangely, a _Plot Bunny Sue in Disguise_ generally classifies as an avoided Mary Sue.

_But how?_ She has some special qualities, but none of them is worked upon so goddamn hard that she ends up overly clichéd or concentrated on only one thing, like, say, she's a famous singer (_BEEP! Talented Sue alert_). So she's not dull, but not overburdened with OMG AMAZINGNESS. Like, remember that girl, Aki Kamimae a.k.a. Rich Bitch Sue? Well, her name means "on the front and in the middle", and Aki means "autumn", and she cannot go anywhere unnoticed, plus is bossy (and she has helped me, Kyoya, a lot with my other project, too). But do we elaborate upon her name? No! Do we stare at her in awe, explaining over and over why are we doing so? No! Do we complain about her attitude? No! Is she a main character described in minute detail? No! Will she end up in love with her host of choice, or the first one she sees? No! Plus, she's one of the less irritating Sue-types, one of the few which _can_ be written well.

_Huge pitfall:_ The border between Disguised Plot Bunny and Plot Bunny is very, very easy to cross accidentally. Also, there is great danger of Endless Sue.

* * *

"So, seems like we're done" as Kyoya closed his notebook, no one looked too stressed "but wait, let me see… it seems like there are cases when the target is not one of us Hosts! Should I do some research on that subject too?"


End file.
